Me: "Raise your hand if you would be interested in doing the coloring contest."

Student: "Do you think we need to color it?"

Me: "Well... it's a coloring contest, so I'm going to go with yes."

I teach 4th grade...

During a rousing game of Heads Up Seven Up:

Student 1:  "Heads up, seven up!"
Student 2:  "I know... I know... I know who picked me.  It was... Someone."

Way to narrow it down.

While watching the Opening Ceremonies for the Olympics:

Announcer: "...and here comes Japan."
Student 1: "It looks like China!"
Student 2: "Where's Arizona?"

I swear I teach them things...

Student 1:  "__________ just sneaked out into the hallway."
Me: (just loud enough to be heard in the hallway) "If _______________ is out in the hallway, where he doesn't belong, he owes me $500!"
________________ runs back into the classroom.  "How about I give you 5 million pennies instead?"
Me: "Sure thing.  I expect them on my desk tomorrow.  By the way, I have a homework assignment for you.  You need to figure out how much money 5 million pennies is worth."

There was not 5 million pennies on my desk the next day, but __________ did do his homework assignment.  He offered to give me the $500 instead.

Student: "Why do we have to clean up the floor before we leave?"
Me: "How did the floor get dirty?"
Student: "Isn't that the custodian's job?  Isn't that what he gets paid for?"
Me: "What a valid question.  How about you job shadow our custodian tomorrow and get back to me on your thoughts of whether or not we should clean up after ourselves?"
Student: "It's okay.  I'll clean the floor."

Me: "Please do not use a pen."
Student: "But my pencil is dull."
Me:  "Really?  Lucky for you they have recently created an invention that sharpens wood.  I think it might work on your pencil, and we just so happen to have one over there."

Today for White Ribbon Week the students were supposed to dress up as someone else.

Me:  "Did you dress up as someone today?"
Student: "Yes, you!  I was going to pop the lenses out of my 3D glasses and wear them too, but my brother broke them."

Hair in a bun - check
Cardigan -  check
School Shirt - check
Skinny Jeans - check
Boots - check

How did I not notice?

Student:  "Ahhhhh!  My eye!"
Me: "What happened?"
Student: "I accidentally squirted hand sanitizer in my eye!"

How does that even happen?